that comfort and weight and joy of these is no longer with me, and i’m looking to find that peace again. it’s good and it’s not, all at the same time.
redefinition is part of life, part of the cycle and it has to be accepted. to change is to grow and we all should want to grow. but even in the joy that i try to find in my new life, there is a deep longing for the joy that both once was, and that was once full of potential. i miss being swept up in those arms, laughing, feeling desired and desirous, and the feeling that i was going to be devoured from the inside out, knowing it was full of love and passion and fire and intertwined intimacy.
i don’t know that this void will ever leave…and that thought leaves me with the dichotomy of every broken heart. the bittersweet knowledge that it will never truly go away.
it’s interesting how like souls are drawn to the same questions. There’s a heft in that void when we crave more than status quo, yes? i find it intriguing that something so speciously empty can be so heavy. alternatively, it’s odd how something so vitally important to us gets so easily lost in the daily detritus.
i don’t know where so many people have lost their lust for life. Gluttonous, wanton, and sheer passion for living. for taking each day by the hand and saying ‘where are you taking me today?
my bedroom has large windows near the ceiling, just over my bed. i’m sure there’s an architectural term for them, but they span the width of the room and follow the arch of the ceiling, meeting at the beam in the center. they are behind the head of the bed, so I see them as soon as i walk into the room. last night, after a ludicrous day at the office, after family was taken care of, and gym time spent, i lay with my head on the foot of the bed and watched the heat lightning light up the sky. i prayed for rain, for all i wanted was to go sit in it and let it wash over me (and it’s finally warm enough to do so without catching my death). it rained this morning, and i watched it fall through my home office window overlooking the back yard. conference calls had me tethered to my phone and laptop, but i wanted to just go outside and sit nude in the rain, letting it wash my concerns, doubts, worries and stresses away. not sure my elderly neighbors would appreciate this, though. something i’ve not done in ages. maybe it will rain again tonight.