most days, i don’t get to be lazy. or at least, i don’t feel like i get to be lazy.
i don’t feel allowed.
i think that it comes from an innate sense of low self-worth, that my therapist would says stems from my mother. she’s probably right. i’m 41 and i don’t she’s ever told me she was proud of me or if she has, not in a demonstrable enough fashion or often enough that i remember it.
in any event, when it comes to ‘lazy days’, i’m learning. i’ve been struggling single mom or struggling married-to-an-abusive-deadbeat man, that i no longer know how or when to relax. even my most recent two week vacation, over christmas and new years, i still worked and checked my email. i’m an officer/VP at my company, and i work in tech, so i never really get time off unless i’m out of the country AND leave my phone at home.
i got up reasonably early (sleeping no later than 8:30). did shit around the house and chased kids. none of that feels lazy to me. i still felt like i had to ‘do’.
it makes me feel dumb. the need, the incessant need to constantly do. I don’t know if its ptsd from past abuse, or the constant, ever looming, nag from my mother making me feel like the lowest of the low because i went to kroger in my sweatpants and no make-up.
I can feel the disapproving look all four and a half hours away, Mom
i was doing goal planning the other day, new year’s day, actually, cause apparently that’s what i do to relax, set goals. sigh. and the method i was using spoke about relaxation and colors of joy and what do you like to do when you’re free and joyous.
i had nothing.
it was very depressing. i haven’t been in ‘that’ place since i’d left my first husband. i had zero clue who i was after all the brainwashing and abuse he put me through. i did my fair share of belly dancing, temple meditating, dancing on tables at bars and twenty-somethings to finally figure out who I was. and dammnit, if i’m not pissed off to be right back in that place again.
so, i’m trying to think about how i might want to spend a lazy day. i think coffee or alcohol would be a must. or both. probably both. I think a book and crochet. maybe a movie. definitely sushi. I think i could be my most laziest at the beach, with alcohol, a book or four and no kids. just plop my fluffy ass in a chair and drink and read the day away….and then go eat sushi, sit on the balcony of my hotel with more alcohol and read more.
but i’d have to be alone. if the kids or my partner were with me, i’d never be able to do it. i’m too much of a caregiver type person, i’d constantly be fussing over who needed what or breaking up/participating in an argument, or cleaning up after someone or yelling at someone to clean up after themselves.
you get the picture. this is why a mother’s food is always cold.